Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I am doing pretty good, going about life happy and relatively stress-free until a package arrived. From my dad. I am assuming it is for the girls since it is a toy. He didn't send a card or call to tell me it was coming. The only reason I knew it was from him was because if had his name on the Kohl's shipping paperwork.
This presents several problems. The first being it reminds me that he is in fact near us physically, although he chooses not to be a part of our life. The second is the issue with my girls. They do not know him. He has been given every opportunity. The last time I heard from him was a message on our machine last year wishing "Payton & Leah" a Merry Christmas. Ellie is almost 3 years old and he has never got her name right. The girls were excited to have a package delivered. I let them have the toy. They asked who it was from. I begrudgingly said "Your grandpa Jim." Because they are 2 and 4 years old, they have no concept of this man. I can talk about him all I want, but until they spend any time with him, they will not know him. He could live with Patrick under a rock for all they know. Ellie actually still believes the gift came from momma's "gym". The next problem is what do I do now? Call and thank him? Send a note? Send a gift in return? I don't want to do any of that. He hasn't contacted me in almost 2 years. He came to our house for a BBQ in June of 2007, and I haven't heard from him since. And that BBQ was a reunion of sorts after not seeing one another for a year before that. He sets me up for hurt over and over again. I am tired of letting him in.

A letter to my dad.

There are so many things I want to say. So many things I SHOULD say.

I am hurt. Anything related to you hurts. I have no good memories. Only sad and at times downright scary. Even now, you continue to hurt me.

I am a mom now, which puts things in a totally different prospective. My children are my life. Payton and Ellie are amazing, amazing kids. I could never for one instant consider abandoning them. If Ryan and I were even 1 tiny fraction as special as my girls are, how could you just walk away? And then come back. Again. And again. To hurt us more. What do you think that does to a child's self-worth?

I'm not a child anymore, I am an adult. But in our relationship, I am still YOUR child. You have to right these wrongs. Or even attempt to. Your lack of effort shows me you have no remorse. You have picked the pieces of your life up. All but two. I should not have to question myself at all times...question whether I am worthy or at least good enough, or hell, even satisfactory in ALL aspects of my life. And this is because of you. Because of the things that you have done.

The worst part? I feel guilt. I feel guilty that I don't try harder. I feel sad. I am sad that you will never know these two unbelievable grandchildren that you have been given every opportunity to know. I am sad that you don't know me. I am angry. So angry. So much that I have to consciously separate my feelings about you from the rest of my life. I can not let them poison me. I am angry that I feel guilty. Really. You did this. And now I have to feel the guilt of not having a relationship with you? Where is your guilt? What are you going to do to right these wrongs? I have never asked anything of you. Never. But you constantly take from me. You took my sense of security a long time ago and I have never got it back. I can't let that continue. I certainly WILL NOT let you hurt my girls.

You need to make a few choices. You need to reevaluate your priorities. If I am not one of them, so be it. If I am, you need to show it. If by chance you decide that you want to be a part of my family's life, you have a lot of work ahead of you. I will not accept these pathetic attempts you make few and far between. I've got to do this. I can't just keep waiting for you to make a move. I hate to say this, but it is all or nothing.



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