Does anyone know where my camera cord is?

It's really starting to piss me off. I got all excited earlier, thinking I finally found it, but it was the damn ipod cord. I knew I hated Apple.


I have lots of cute Christmas pictures and pictures of the girls haircuts.......too bad I can't share.

oh lord, so excited!

Just found out The Pretenders will be at the Fox on March 12th. I will be ordering tickets tomorrow.

I got to see Joan Jett back in September and now The Pretender's!?!?!?

I'm SO happy!!!!

to Brad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8B1ai25lUo

You are amazing.

I am doing pretty good, going about life happy and relatively stress-free until a package arrived. From my dad. I am assuming it is for the girls since it is a toy. He didn't send a card or call to tell me it was coming. The only reason I knew it was from him was because if had his name on the Kohl's shipping paperwork.
This presents several problems. The first being it reminds me that he is in fact near us physically, although he chooses not to be a part of our life. The second is the issue with my girls. They do not know him. He has been given every opportunity. The last time I heard from him was a message on our machine last year wishing "Payton & Leah" a Merry Christmas. Ellie is almost 3 years old and he has never got her name right. The girls were excited to have a package delivered. I let them have the toy. They asked who it was from. I begrudgingly said "Your grandpa Jim." Because they are 2 and 4 years old, they have no concept of this man. I can talk about him all I want, but until they spend any time with him, they will not know him. He could live with Patrick under a rock for all they know. Ellie actually still believes the gift came from momma's "gym". The next problem is what do I do now? Call and thank him? Send a note? Send a gift in return? I don't want to do any of that. He hasn't contacted me in almost 2 years. He came to our house for a BBQ in June of 2007, and I haven't heard from him since. And that BBQ was a reunion of sorts after not seeing one another for a year before that. He sets me up for hurt over and over again. I am tired of letting him in.

A letter to my dad.

There are so many things I want to say. So many things I SHOULD say.

I am hurt. Anything related to you hurts. I have no good memories. Only sad and at times downright scary. Even now, you continue to hurt me.

I am a mom now, which puts things in a totally different prospective. My children are my life. Payton and Ellie are amazing, amazing kids. I could never for one instant consider abandoning them. If Ryan and I were even 1 tiny fraction as special as my girls are, how could you just walk away? And then come back. Again. And again. To hurt us more. What do you think that does to a child's self-worth?

I'm not a child anymore, I am an adult. But in our relationship, I am still YOUR child. You have to right these wrongs. Or even attempt to. Your lack of effort shows me you have no remorse. You have picked the pieces of your life up. All but two. I should not have to question myself at all times...question whether I am worthy or at least good enough, or hell, even satisfactory in ALL aspects of my life. And this is because of you. Because of the things that you have done.

The worst part? I feel guilt. I feel guilty that I don't try harder. I feel sad. I am sad that you will never know these two unbelievable grandchildren that you have been given every opportunity to know. I am sad that you don't know me. I am angry. So angry. So much that I have to consciously separate my feelings about you from the rest of my life. I can not let them poison me. I am angry that I feel guilty. Really. You did this. And now I have to feel the guilt of not having a relationship with you? Where is your guilt? What are you going to do to right these wrongs? I have never asked anything of you. Never. But you constantly take from me. You took my sense of security a long time ago and I have never got it back. I can't let that continue. I certainly WILL NOT let you hurt my girls.

You need to make a few choices. You need to reevaluate your priorities. If I am not one of them, so be it. If I am, you need to show it. If by chance you decide that you want to be a part of my family's life, you have a lot of work ahead of you. I will not accept these pathetic attempts you make few and far between. I've got to do this. I can't just keep waiting for you to make a move. I hate to say this, but it is all or nothing.

let it snow

Brrrrrrrrr.

home today

Ellie had a fever last night, so I stayed home with the girls today. They are currently chasing each other around the house giggling like mad.
I have to take Payton to the doctor at 2 for them to look at her mole. Or where her mole once was. Hopefully they have nothing but good news for us.
I'm trying to get the energy to get my butt up and start our salt dough ornaments. I need to finish Miss Melissa's Xmas present too. I'm not looking forward to using the glue gun. I always end up with scorched fingers.
We got the girls snow day pics back. Seriously. They make me cry. I'll upload them later today....Ellie just called from the bathroom, "Mom, the floor is wet....it's either pee pee or gatorade!" Lovely.

Holy Moly, this is my 100th post!
I suppose it is the perfect time to congratulate my bestest friend Lori! She had an ultrasound today and she is having a girl!!!! Yay! I know she secretly wanted a girl, so I am thrilled for her. Now bring on the PINK!
Here we are in Vegas for her wedding. She had no idea that in a few short months she'd be preparing to be a momma. xoxo




Also, speaking of friends....THANK YOU CHRISTINA! The girls LOVE their Christmas Memory Game. It's so cute!!! What a great idea. We have played tons already.
Did you know the cards double as earrings?

I haven't seen Ellie sit this still in like.....well......ever! :P

fairy dust

You know what's weird? Payton is going to be 5 in a little more than a month and I still think of her as a baby. Most moms understand that, I am sure. Last night, she told me that her tooth hurt when she bit her carrot. I took a closer look. It's LOOSE! All of a sudden, overnight, I feel like she's grown up! Kids who lose teeth are not babies. (Those of you thinking that she has already lost a tooth....you are wrong. It's a gap, ha ha!) The threat of a lose tooth freaked her out a bit, but we talked about baby teeth and permanent teeth and the tooth fairy and all that magical jazz. Now I think she's a little excited. Just how much are baby teeth going for these days anyway?

We took the girls to get their pictures taken with Kloe in their Christmas pajamas last week. The one of the three of them turned out pretty cute for a Wal-Mart special.



Some other things that are going on....hmmmm.........

Lori has an ultrasound on Friday to find out the sex of their baby!!! So excited!!! Then I can start buying cute baby stuff.

I made Payton an appointment to have her mole looked at again for next week. Hoping for good news!

We had the girls picture taken this weekend with an awesome photographer. (She also did Payton's school pictures.) They are "snow" pictures. I CANNOT WAIT to see them!!! She took them for free. All we had to do was donate a coat for local kids. Isn't that neat???

http://www.anitamphotography.com/

I know there is more.....my mind is mush as usual.

Good News!

Payton's preschool teacher told me today that she will pull some strings to get Ellie in next fall! The cutoff date to turn 4 is December 1st. Ellie won't be 4 until January 30th (2010, isn't that nuts?). I thought we were going to have to either find a new preschool :( or wait a whole year. SO YAY!!!

She said Ellie just needs to show that she can handle it. I know the girl is a hot mess, but she CAN handle it. She has her babysitter Kathie convinced that she is an angel. ;) Really, she is super smart. (Don't all moms think that?) She is though! I swear! :P

Mamacita....donde esta Santa Claus?

I haven't updated in so long. I am tired, so tired. Sick with a cold, cramps, my back hurts and I am having nightmares. Hopefully this all ends soon. I am in a fog all day at work.

We have been running constantly too. Tonight is Brad's faculty Christmas party. It's always fun, but I don't feel like going. I hope I get a burst of energy somehow tonight. Wednesday was his fishing club's Christmas party. It was fun. I won a couple pair of Christmas socks in the wives raffle. Anyone who knows me knows that is ironic because I don't wear socks. I gave them to my mom.

We have been decorating the house and Christmas shopping. I am finished with the girls and almost done with everyone else! Brad and I decided to buy a new TV, so that will be our gift to one another, I think.

Tuesday this week was our Santa visit through NOR. It was a blast. Ellie and Payton were beyond thrilled. Kloe didn't know anything out of the ordinary was happening. Natalie and Dylan were terrified. Poor babies!

Kloe is SO freaking cute. Seriously, I have never met a more easy going baby. Ryan and Michelle have gone to court and worked things out as far as custody and all that. What a stressful thing divorce is! And I'm not even in the middle of it! I just want to say how proud I am of Ryan. xoxo